The Zombie Shuffle

I have developed an aversion to the sound of laughter. Not at all times. Just when I'm in my room and the awful sound creeps down the stairs and under my closed door. It paralyzes my brain and shreds my nerves. It's like crashing symbols waking you from the first hour of sleep you have gotten in a week.

A girl in my Nonfiction Creative Writing class (aka, my current Sisyphus experience) wrote an essay about preparing for the zombie revolution. It was hilarious and refreshing, but there was one part that got to me. She mused about what she would do if she were to wake up a zombie one morning. I did not understand this. Doesn't a person need to get bitten by a zombie or something in order to become one? How would you j

ust turn into a zombie overnight? I made a comment about this on her paper. What a silly comment--I was blind! I don't remember being bitten by a zombie anytime recently, but I have suddenly realized I am one! It must have happened sometime in my sleep! Essays, exams, presentations, driving, wedding plans, essays, traveling, money, inconsideration, accusation, medication, essays, essays, essays, essays! They have been slowly wearing my immunity down until one day, I woke up a zombie, dull eyes, nasty skin and all. I want to finish the race with a bang and the end is so near, but my zombie feet can only shuffle slowly along, my decaying arms reaching weakly for what is in front of me.

I hear the only way back to normal is through laughter. Laughter and more laughter. But not the kind that comes creeping down the stairs and under my closed door.

:)

I Kid You Not: Episode III

It's been a while, I know. I seriously see crazy things all the time, but I never have a moment to record them. It's a shame.

I was walking to school (most strange sightings occur on my way to school... why is this?), when I passed two girls. They both had their hair slicked back in buns. THE HORROR!!!! Just kidding- that's not the bizarre part. As I passed them, they both gave me nervous looks and forced smiles. Then I noticed them....

Two human heads. On posts. One sticking out of each of their backpacks. Don't worry- they were life-sized mannequin heads. I'm sure they were for a dance performance rehearsal or something fun like that. But the sight was slightly disconcerting upon first glance regardless.

Why don't I carry my camera with me at all times?

Take the Reigns

You know, I'm just going to say what everyone is too scared to say:

LIFE SUCKS!

That's right; I said it! And if I could make the font any larger, I would, but this is as large as it goes. So let's all just get over it, shall we?

All I am saying is that most good things come and go. Things won't always turn out in a manner we think is ideal. There will be times when everything will seem to fall apart. It is inevitable. And it does not matter at all. Not at all.

What matters is how we respond. What matters is how we use what resources we have left to pick up our lives and keep moving forward.

Go ahead. Feel sorry for yourself! Go all out! Cry about it- whatever you need to do. Then take a look around you and figure out how to make it better, despite the adverse circumstances. If you don't, you will most certainly miss out on everything good.

Since we can't actually have everything the way we want them to be, why don't we use the undesireable circumstances to make our lives better instead? Stick it to the man! If life gives you lemons- make lemonade! If life turns you don't, use the rejection as an opportunity to do something even better. Think about it. Take a strike back at life. If we really want to be in control of our lives, we can't let the disappointments life dishes out at us get us down. That's what they want. Don't let them have it. Once life deals your hand, manipulate it. Take control for yourself.

I DARE YOU.

--------
while we're on the subject, could we change the subject now?
i was knocking on your ear's door, but you were always out
looking towards the future, we were begging for the past
well we know we had the good things but those never seemed to last
oh please just last
everyone's unhappy, everyone's ashamed
well we all just got caught looking at somebody else's page
well nothing ever went quite exactly as we planned
our ideas held no water but we used them like a dam

oh and we carried it all so well
as if we got a new position
oh and i'll laugh all the way to hell
saying "yes this is a fine promotion"
oh and i'll laugh all the way to hell

of course everyone goes crazy over such and such and such
we made ourselves a pillar, we just used it as a crutch
we were certainly uncertain at least i'm pretty sure i am
well we didn't need the water, but we just built that good goddamn

oh and i know this of myself
i assume as much for other people
oh and i know this of myself
we've listened to more of life's end gong than the sound of life's sweet bells
was it ever worth it was there all that much to gain
well we knew we'd missed the boat and we'd already missed the plane
we didn't read the invite we just danced at our own wake
all our favorites were playing so we could shake shake shake shake shake
tiny curtains opened and we heard the tiny clap of little hands
a tiny man would tell a little joke and get a tiny laugh from all them folks
and drifting around on bubbles and thinking it was us that carried them
when we finally got it figured out that we'd truly missed the boat

oh and we carried it off so well
as if we got a new position
oh and we own all the tools ourselves
without the skills to make a show with
oh what useless tools ourselves

-"Missed the Boat" by Modest Mouse

Shuttered Shook and Uptight

I am color...blind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am ready
I am ready
I am
taffy stuck, tongue tied
Stuttered shook and uptight
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am ready
I am ready
I am...fine
I am covered in skin
No one gets to come in
Pull me out from inside
I am folded, and unfolded, and unfolding
I am
colorblind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am ready
I am ready
I am...fine
I am.... fine
I am fine

It Would Be Awesome

Reality.

What is it?

I mean really.
I know that my reality is completely different from yours.
So is reality my reality?

Or is true reality only found in tapping into every other person's reality?






You know, the more I think on it, the more I come to the following conclusion:

It doesn't really matter...

Reality is two parts what you want it to be, and one part what is actually there.


This is the only reality I want right now:






:)

______
It would be awesome if we could dance.
It would be awesome. Let's take the chance.
-"Dance Commander" -Electric Stix

I Am the Luckiest

To My Best Friend:

I've just come back up to Utah to finish up my degree, and I am severely lacking without your company. Everyone wants to know all about you, and I figured there would be no harm in giving them a bit of an idea. I hope you don't mind.

You have a good mind. From what both you and your mom have told me, you have always been a bit of a smarty-pants. I love talking politics and philosophy with you (even if you support Sarah Palin). You know a lot about most things. I am constantly impressed.

You are confident. Or at least you are good at acting like you are, even when you are put on the spot. Confidence is extremely attractive to me.

You have good taste. Music, clothes, whatever it is, you have the best taste in everything. (I suppose this might just mean that our taste is similar)

You dream big. No commendable achievement came as a result of dreaming small. Knowing you, I am confident that you will mek at least some of those dreams a reality.

You are sensible. You dream big, but you act sensibly, for the most part. You think things through. You are aware, you pay attention to detail, and you know a lot about the world. Best of all, you think realistically. I trust your judgment, and I really admire you for this.

You are fun. You always make me laugh. I love your dancing and your singing... especially in combination. You keep me entertained. I have fun just talking on the phone with you, and I don't typically love long phone conversations. I love being in your company more than anything else.

You are good with people. This includes children- you are very good with children. I have had lots of opportunity to witness this. I know you will be a great father one day.

I really respect what you are doing as career. Your job is difficult, important, and very much under appreciated. Your schedule is obscene. But your actions tell me that you take it seriously and you do a good job.


When I first met you, I was blown away. You were all I was looking for and could not find. And you know what? You still are. I still can't believe my good fortune. Do I really get to keep you forever?

I know you have a lot on your mind right now, but I know you will make good decisions.


Yours Forever,
Kim

"And how can I stand here with you
and not be moved by you?"

We Surely Can

We can be heroes for ever and ever.

:)

;)

What Life Can Be

I was out on my daily walk around the neighborhood with my mom when I noticed a particularly interesting tree. It was a very full tree with hundreds of little branches all shooting out from the trunk in arcs. The tips of the branches tapered off in all directions, the centermost branches extending upward and the rest reaching outward and toward the ground. Streams of energy seemed to flow forcefully from the roots of the trees, but stop abruptly at the tip of each branch. The tree looked like a firework halted mid-explosion. And the tree seemed to long to fulfill the explosion and send branches in all directions; a powerful, unforgettable reminder of what life can be.

My life feels just the same.

____
I was perched outside in the pouring rain
Trying to make myself a sail
Then I’ll float to you my darlin’
With the evening on my tail
Although not the most honest means of travel
It gets me there nonetheless
I’m a heartless man at worst, babe
And a helpless one at best

Darling I’ll bathe your skin
I’ll even wash your clothes
Just give me some candy, before I go
Oh, darling I’ll kiss your eyes
And lay you down on your rug
Just give me some candy
After my hug

Oh I’m often false explaining
But to her it plays out all the same
and although I’m left defeated
It get’s held against my name
I know you got plenty to offer baby
But I guess I’ve taken quite enough
Well I’m some stain there on your bedsheet
You’re my diamond in the rough

Darling I’ll bathe your skin
I’ll even wash your clothes
Just give me some candy
before I go
Oh, darling I’ll kiss your eyes
And lay you down on your rug
Just give me some candy
After my hug

I know that there´re writings on the wall
But Darling I’ll bathe your skin
I’ll even wash your clothes
Just give me some candy
After my hug

Oh I’ll be there waiting for you

(Oh I’ll be there waiting for you)
All the cutthroats and their jagged ends
All of them have got me waiting and waiting
(Oh I’ll be there waiting for you)
All the cheap and the sugary philosophies
Have got me on the fence just waiting and waiting

(Oh I’ll be there waiting for you)
All the angels, and their halos
All they do is keep me waiting and waiting
(Oh I’ll be there waiting for you)

-"Candy" Paolo Nutini

The Singing Butler

-"The Singing Butler" by Jack Vettriano-

I've been looking for this painting forever, but could not recall its name. Last night, I was at my friend Kristen's place, and I noticed it hanging there! This is one of my very favorite paintings, and I am excited to know its name. Thanks Kristen!


:)

My Least Realistic Desire

I really wish I could fly. I want to be high up in the sky, away from all the hussle and bussle of everything going on at ground level. I want to feel the wind rushing by on all sides of my body, supporting me, lifting me higher. I want to feel weightless. I would rest high up in the trees. At the top of the trees, very few could disturb me. I could see all that is going on below for miles. When I am ready, I would take to the air again and find some place new.

Perhaps I would give you a visit once in a while. Just don't expect to see me around all the time.

The Margin of Error is Slight

There is nothing scarier than trusting another human being. Some people seem to be so good at it. For me, I feel it was more of a learned skill. How is anyone to know whether that person will be there when you need them? How is anyone to know whether that person is even capable of being there? How does one know whether that person's own interests will not blind them from seeing what they need to see?

I would like to think that most people maintain good intentions. Most people aren't "out to get you", per se... they are, undoubtedly just out to get theirs. And everyone else is afraid you are just out to get yours.

The truth is that nobody can get their own without assistance. So what if we were all to focus on helping others get theirs? Would we all get ours? Trusting another human being can be, if done right, one of the most liberating and fulfilling experiences human beings can attain to. It is absolutely terrifying, but I decided a long time ago that it is worth all the risk.

_________________

mix the chemicals right dear, mix the chemicals right
yeah the margin of error is slight
mix the chemicals right dear
mix the chemicals right
yeah you know that you could
save my life

there is a risk, there's a risk when your dealing with love
you could snap my neck
any speed you drive can be dangerous

mix the chemicals right dear, mix the chemicals right
yeah you know there's a fine line between
mix the chemicals right dear, mix the chemicals right
cause i know what betrayal can mean

when this frame fails me
will i trust you to carry me through?
i know there's no such thing as safety
but i know what a promise can do.
will i trust you, will i trust you to carry me through?
i will trust you, cause i know what a promise can do

There's No Promise of Safety

Ive waited for this moment
all my life and more
and now I see so clearly
what I could not see before
the time is now or never
and this chance won't come again
throw caution and myself into the wind

theres no promise of safety
with these secondhand wings
but Im willing to find out
what impossible means
a leap of faith

parody of an angel
miles above the sea
I hear the voice of reason
screaming after me
you flew far to high for
now you're too close to the sun
soon your makeshift wings will come undone

but how will I know
limits from lies
if I never try

theres no promise of safety
with these secondhand wings
but Im willing to find out
what impossible means
I climb through the heavens
on feathers and dreams
cause the melting point of wax
means nothing to me

I will touch the sun
or I will die trying

My Greatest Insecurity

Driving. I don't do it. That is what I am most insecure about these days.


It was difficult for me to move home. I have grown fond of being independent, and I was not looking forward to giving that up.

Every moment that I have been here has been worth it. I get to see my fiancé every day, even if only for a little bit. I get to see my family every day. I get to play with my dog. I never have to be bothered by people knocking on my door around the clock to tell me about some even or scope out dating prospects.

Sometimes, however, I must admit that it has been very hard. I do not drive; apart from supervised visits to the outside world, I am essentially confined to this house. I cannot stand to be in one place for too long. Admittedly, it is a personal problem of mine. I get bored and I start feeling claustrophobic. While I was up at school, I was only in my apartment for part of the day. I can’t remember the last time I spent an entire day in my apartment. Sometimes I feel like a caged bird here.

Please do not misunderstand me though- I love being here. The benefits far outweigh the drawbacks. Having no transportation is actually the more significant of only two drawbacks I can think of. The other drawback is the heat. ;-)

I have also become accustomed to taking care of myself. For the past four years I have been doing it pretty much on my own. I buy my own food. I pay my own rent. I work. I go to class. I clean. I pay for everything myself. There are many places I can get to easily on foot. Without a vehicle, I have to beg people for rides to the store even while I am at school, and that is bad enough.

It makes me feel like one big inconvenience to all. It makes me feel like a short-term leech. Once, I was in desperate need of food, and so I asked one of my neighbors if he would take me to the store. He agreed without any hesitation and told me to just come down to his apartment at six. When I got there, I learned that because of me, he was not able to go to a basketball game. Because of me, he had to turn down a sort of date. I know these things because he mentioned them in a phone conversation he insisted on having in my presence. I try really hard not to listen to other people’s conversations, but he made it difficult not to. I told him I could find someone else, but he insisted upon taking me and was grouchy the whole time. This confirmed the fears I had all along: I was a colossal inconvenience. (and he was kind of a jerk) The last thing I want to do is make anyone’s life more difficult. I don’t want to be anyone’s burden.

Also, it hurts my pride. Somewhere along the way, I somehow got a foolish notion in my head that suggested I can do everything by myself. I don’t need anyone. But I do. I really, really, really do need other people. This is painfully evident while I am schmoozing someone into giving me a ride to the grocery store.

Now, I am finally trying to acknowledge that not only do I need someone else around, but I genuinely want someone else around to help and receive help from. I still feel like an inconvenience, and it is still really hard.

Let me remind you: I love being here. I get to be with my amazing family and my stud of a fiancé. Besides asking for a car, I really could not ask for more. I am just having a really hard time with this one small thing.

So… I am in desperate need of a car. If you know anyone who is selling a car, please let me know.

Why Life Would SUCK If Things Were Perfect

Why Life Would SUCK If Things Were Perfect: A poem that is just as perfect as life would be if only...

If life were perfect,
I could speak my mind at any time, with any one, about any thing - no fear of repercussions.
I could act happy when I feel happy,
sad when all things turn to gray.

I would never wake up in the middle of the night to cough or to wonder or to think of ways to keep the water from dripping or to listen to the clock ticking at a maddeningly consistent rate.
I would not wake up in the middle of the night at all.
Best of all, I wouldn't be accused of keeping myself awake or waking up willfully.

I would always know the truth of the matter;
I would have no reason to question motives, sincerity, or... reality.
Because reality would be reality, not the hopeful or frightened imaginings of the ignorant mind.

I wouldn't have to worry about stretch marks or any number of absurd things that could happen that would make me any less desirable somehow.

I would be free to make my own decisions and formulate my own preferred plans of action without someone else telling me what precisely it is that I want.
I wouldn't have to feel like a criminal every time I turn a corner in my pursuit.

Education wouldn't cost me my soul for the next thirty years or so.

Parents would not fight.
Countries would not fight.
Nobody would fight.
Everyone would simply seek to understand, seek to coexist.

Finally, if life were perfect, I could make everyone happy all at once.

But then I guess it just wouldn't be life, now would it?

____

Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, why don't ya?

Racing on a faultline
Bracing for a landslide
Conscious of everything getting harder
As the race goes underwater
-"Stall Out" by Mute Math

My Semester in a Nutshell- longest post ever.

This semester in a nutshell (events not listed in any particular order):

-kept from overloading myself with classes for the first time

-spent a few days teaching college classes

-graded papers (:-/ ay! not exactly as much fun as one might hope for)

-walked in the rain

-tripped into the gutter in the rain and ripped my pants

-bought new pants

-admired the clouds

-experienced clouds of dry paint




-indulged in my love for the Hindu culture

-learned more about all major world religions

-bought the Dammaphada

-bought the Bhagavad Gita

-talked with my mom on the phone for hours upon hours

-experienced burnout

-wrote through the burnout

-didn't write due to burnout

-wrote through the burnout again

-shot moving targets for the first time



-learned what true commitment feels like

-learned what actual heartbreak feels like

-learned the importance of good friends in hard times

-was delighted when my parents, aunts, uncles, and grandfather joined facebook!

-realized how funny my father is

-benefited from the compassion of amazing friends and caring family in a hard time

-had a blast dancing Cuban salsa in a performance

-

-wrote

-learned how to dance Polynesian with my roommate at 8am every saturday with my roommate and LOVED every moment of it

-walked around the Wilkinson Center at BYU half naked... and was ENCOURAGED to do so



-spent hours making my hair curly two days in a row for the Lu'au performance

-was complimented on my curly hair, but remained resistant to ever doing it again unless kairos dictates

-missed modern dance.... terribly

-cried over missing modern dance once

-partially overcame my resistance to allowing other people see me cry... by force

-learned about... everything. It wasn't enough. I want more.

-met some amazing people

-witnessed a transformation

-went snowshoeing- loved it



-wrote

-finished my article for the Pre-law Review Journal

-discussed the insanity defense with a variety of people

-gave a presentation detailing parallels between Seneca and Buddhism

-pondered the rhetoric of freedom

-learned and theorizes the rhetoric of identity

-had the best month-ish of my life with one of the most remarkable people I have ever known

-developed a deeper sense of compassion

-paid for a pen for a girl with Down's Syndrome because she didn't know how to do it herself
-she was entirely to apologetic... I worry that she is not treated with the love and patience she deserves

-went home to Vegas for one day

-went home to Vegas for a weekend

-danced with my dad

-realized what a great dancer my dad is

-dentist. novocaine. enough said.

-learned from and about my mother

-wrote

-benefited from the kindness of strangers and non-strangers alike... constantly

-acted like a jerk

-apologized for acting like a jerk

-missed my family

-begged my sister to come visit... no good

-missed my dog

-reconnected with old friends

-got a housing in contract in Provo so that I could still live with one of the best roommates and friends I have ever had, even though I do not yet have a summer job in Provo

-sought summer employment- no results yet

-loved. perhaps too much.

-persevered

-cried more in one semester than every other time I've cried in my life... put together

-STILL wound up more overloaded than I have ever been in my entire life

-went to way too many dollar movies

-went to my first live baseball game

-went to my first college volleyball game

-went to my first college basketball game

-admitted to not having been to any sporting events thus far in my college career. yes, I am a senior.

-began to love live sports

-won front row tickets to a volleyball game limboing while sick on behalf of a "friend"

-was bailed on by a "friend" and had to find other people to use the front row tickets won in a limbo contest

-was bailed on by my brother

-persisted to ask my brother to hang out, even though he always bailed

-worried after a brother who had both mono and tonsillitis

-successfully performed a clandestine mission to sneak my brother out of the boys-only part of an all boys dormitory so he could come watch the last session of General Conference

-learned from the shining examples of people far better than I am

-worried about someone for whom I passionately cared who has a scary illness

-learned to love life no matter what

-learned more about the CIA

-men... we won't go there. If you know me... it's the same story as usual- only different settings, different players, and different obstacles.





Naturally, too much happened for me to even begin to recount. This has been an amazing semester.

I just wish it would be over already. I'm sick of finals!!! ;-)

Always Love

Jealousy is, for the most part, my end all. I once had very strong feelings for a certain young man. Even after I decided trying to win his attention (something not usually too difficult, but in this case... impossible) was not worth my time, I could not seem to get over him. One day, I was at his apartment, and he mentioned something about trying to get with another girl. The moment I felt a jealous passion light within me was the moment I got over him. I got up, made some excuse to leave, and never looked back. (Figuratively... I see him all the time literally, but I no longer feel anything out of the ordinary for him.)

Except for this one time...
an invisible, ever-elusive carrot...
stinking walking cocaine.

I will not be made to feel jealous. I refuse. It is not an emotion I am prone to feeling anyhow. Usually I can either accept the reality that "should" make me feel jealous, or I just don't care. Call me cold-hearted. Call me whatever you'd like. I generally become jealous only when I hear someone talking about traveling. If I ever do feel a tinge of jealousy in regard to a guy, I remove myself from that situation, just as I mention doing a few lines above. So boys- don't try that trick on me.

You see, I have come to realize that jealousy is the closest I have ever come to experiencing actual hate for another human being. That is why I cannot handle it. That is why I refuse to feel it. Jealousy, anger, and hate. Three useless, destructive emotions. I will take no part in them if I can help it.


______
To make a mountain of your life
Is just a choice
But I never learned enough
To listen to the voice that told me
Always love Hate will get you every time
Always love Don't wait til the finish line

Slow demands come 'round
Squeeze the air and keep the rest out
It helps to write it down
Even when you then cross it out

But always Love- Hate will get you every time
Always Love even when you wanna fight

Self-directed lives
I want to know what it'd be like to
Aim so high above
Any card that you get dealt you

Always Love
Hate will get you every time
Always love
Hate will get you

I've been held back by something
Yeah. You said to me quietly on the stairs,
I've been held back by something
Yeah. You said to me quietly on the stairs.

-"Always Love" by Nada Surf

Power, Love, and A Sound Mind Continued

I found this quote today while I was sorting through Buddhist and Hindu religious and philosophical texts in the bookstore. I lost my place in Jean Anouilh's "Antigone" recording the quote (and still cannot figure out precisely where I was- apparently that is more difficult to do in a french text), and every moment spent in this endeavor was a moment that should have been devoted to researching my paper on Tibet, but this quote was well worth the sacrifice.

The only reason that we don't open our hearts and minds to other people is that they trigger confusion in us that we don't feel brave enough or sane enough to deal with. To the degree that we look clearly and compassionately at ourselves, we feel confident and fearless about looking into someone else's eyes. -Pema Chodron, Buddhist nun

As this message is still be brought to you at the expense of my Tibet paper, I will refrain from lengthy commentary. Please see my rather convoluted scribblings in the post below, and feel free to contact me for discussion/friendly debate. :)

Power, love, and a Sound Mind

A disclaimer:
I had previously resolved to keep my blog at least mostly secular, but now I believe such a resolution to be entirely nonsensical. Religion is an inextricable part of my life, and if I am to record second helpings of my life, religion must be a part of that. If you do not wish to read anything religious, you are obviously excused from reading anything of that nature posted on my blog.

"...nevertheless I am not ashamed: for I know whom I have believed, and am persuaded that he is able to keep that which I have committed unto him against that day." -2 Timothy 1:12

Now on to the real post!
_____________

Today, I was reading my scriptures and I came upon the following verse:

2 Timothy 1:7 "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."

A few days ago, I was engaged in a debate with a friend over whether or not fear of rejection should hinder one from being bold, straightforward, and risky in dating. I firmly believe that it should not. If it does, it is only because we are allowing past negative experience to make us feel as though we are less than we truly are. When a relationship fails, it is (unless one has sorely mistreated the other) certainly not a reflection on the value of either person involved. We may be disappointed, discouraged, and disinterested for a while, but we certainly should not allow these three dreaded "d's" to paint our perception of who we are. The two former partners just did not work out. Period. I firmly believe there is at least one person out there who will accept and love every individual just as that individual is. At least one of those partners just was not one of them. I believe it is natural to be at least a bit apprehensive when being faced with any new experience, including a potential relationship. It is one's own decision to allow any level of fear to prohibit a relationship from even forming. Fear does not more than inhibit and destroy even the potential for a functional relationship. So.... just say no! Believe in yourself! Anyone else with me?!

Everything Is Illuminated

It's funny how events always tend to come back to haunt you somewhere along the line. Memories that have not entreated your mind in years simply bubble up in an instant. This has been happening to me with disconcerting frequency recently. The worst part is how deeply I have finally come to understand these events of my past. All of a sudden, I can see everything with such clarity- the other party's situation, my own naïveté. Suddenly everything makes sense! Dare I use a phrase that has already been claimed? Everything is illuminated. I guess this is what history is for, eh?

[Disclaimer: all names have been changed to protect the innocent.]
Here is one example. Forever ago, I was privileged to maintain the friendship and affection of William, a young man who, I have come to realize, was well beyond my years in experience and wisdom. While he was out of the country for an extended period of time, I sort of came into myself. I didn't feel like we were right for each other at all anymore, and must ashamedly report that I handled the situation in a most cowardly, juvenile fashion. Very regrettably, I simply cut him off. He was time zones away, and I just found myself too busy to answer his calls or check my email. I am in no way proud of this. Eventually, I reached a point where I could not continue to push his presence out of my life. Below is a tiny bit of what he told me after I finally admitted that I did not want to be with him. I'm not sure that he will ever read this post, but I certainly hope he will not mind if he does. This particular passage has been of great interest to me as of late. (by the way, forgive this young gentleman his grammatical errors as I hope you forgive mine in all entries of this blog; even I will admit that grammar is not always of the utmost importance in friendly correspondence)



"Wow, i mean, wow! Do you ever have those times in life were what you are doing is passing so slowly, and so immensely, but when it is all over you look back and say, I needed more time for that? Maybe it is just me, and after reading your email i suppose it is just me, but regardless this was exactly how i felt when i was reading your email...
So here goes;
Yeah i suppose i agree you could not be the girl for me. I hope that my wife would never just shut me out, and decide that i was not worth her time. now, you may not consider that fair of me to say or think, but it is none the less true from the chair i am sitting in. i sat here for two months straight staring out this window wondering if you were okay, wanting to know that you were safe, healthy, and in love with me or not, but i did not get that until three months later and by that time all i could do is ask, why? Now, don't read into my words as anger, never anger, just frustration. Nevertheless, i am saddened that you would count my love and devotion so little in your life that when times got ruff you decided that my love was a burden and not worth your time. Why did you feel that way? Or better, what happened that made you feel a relationship with me was no longer worth the effort of writing an email or answering the phone? I would like to know for my own betterment and growth, really. Ha! Yeah, this is a little selfish. I know that you said life was busy, and that you later felt you had changed into a woman that was not for me, but i guess i just don't want to believe that i was so wrong for you, you know?"

This comes from a later email:
"My attitude and respect for you does not change, and i hope one day when we see each other passing on the road we can give a friendly hello."



I understand precisely what he is saying now. He articulated it so deftly. I wonder how i could have missed the mark back then.

At the time, I was uncomfortable with this email. Not upset, not disgusted, not put off in any way. Nothing like that. I was uncomfortable because I knew I was in the wrong, and I felt bad. More than that, I was young, and I did not fully understand. I foolishly distrusted the words he wrote me, presuming them to be ridiculous attempts at flattery and self preservation. I did not believe he actually cared. This seems a bit ridiculous upon retrospect, but I guess I didn't want to think he cared. Mostly because I didn't care as much as I wanted to myself. All in all, I just did not understand.

This is just one example of the sort of misinterpreted maturity I have finally come to understand after many different sorts of relationships. These words are spectres, persistently occupying the shadows of my mind as of late. I believe relationships to be, hands down, the most instructive medium.

What I have come to realize is simple: relationships are the single most important thing. People are the single most important thing. This is the key. This is why the death of a relationship of any type can be so painful. When I was younger, I did not fully understand this subtle truth, and I am sorry to those people that I subsequently misunderstood or discounted. I am sorry to those that I so callously tossed aside with the selfish assurance that I was "doing them a favor". I now see that I was in part... but only in part. Though he has moved on and is, I am sure, far happier than I can guess he would have been with me (as ignorant as I was), I wish I could apologize to William. Now everything is illuminated.

Just years too late.



_____
How about getting off of these antibiotics
How about stopping eating when I'm filled up
How about them transparent dangling carrots
How about that ever elusive kudo

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

How about me not blaming you for everything
How about me enjoying the moment for once
How about how good it feels to finally forgive you
How about grieving it all one at a time

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

The moment I let go of it was
The moment I got more than I could handle
The moment I jumped off of it was
The moment I touched down

How about no longer being masochistic
How about remembering your divinity
How about unabashedly bawling your eyes out
How about not equating death with stopping

Thank you India
Thank you providence
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you nothingness
Thank you clarity
Thank you thank you silence
-"Thank You" Alanis Morissette

Love is Not a Victory March; It's a Cold and it's a Broken Hallelujah

i heard there was a secret chord
that david played and it pleased the lord
but you don't really care for music, do you
well it goes like this the fourth, the fifth
the minor fall and the major lift
the baffled king composing hallelujah

hallelujah...

well your faith was strong but you needed proof
you saw her bathing on the roof
her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
she tied you to her kitchen chair
she broke your throne and she cut your hair
and from your lips she drew the hallelujah

hallelujah...

baby i've been here before
i've seen this room and i've walked this floor
i used to live alone before i knew you
i've seen your flag on the marble arch
but love is not a victory march
it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

hallelujah...

well there was a time when you let me know
what's really going on below
but now you never show that to me do you
but remember when i moved in you
and the holy dove was moving too
and every breath we drew was hallelujah

well, maybe there's a god above
but all i've ever learned from love
was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you
it's not a cry that you hear at night
it's not somebody who's seen the light
it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

hallelujah...

If Life is Really as Short as They Say, Then Why is the Night So Long?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ToEPFDIzhNA&feature=PlayList&p=C778AD3D4BFFA573&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=18

Above is a link for the music video for "Chinese Translation" by M. Ward. The video is great, but the song itself is even better. I was listening to this song today, and really came into a deeper appreciation for it. Below are the lyrics:

____
I sailed a wild, wild sea
climbed up a tall, tall mountain
I met a old, old man
beneath a weeping willow tree
He said now if you got some questions
go and lay them at my feet
but my time here is brief
so you'll have to pick just three

And I said
What do you do with the pieces of a broken heart
and how can a man like me remain in the light
and if life is really as short as they say
then why is the night so long
and then the sun went down
and he sang for me this song

See I once was a young fool like you
afraid to do the things
that I knew I had to do
So I played an escapade just like you
I played an escapade just like you
I sailed a wild, wild sea
climbed up a tall, tall mountain
I met an old, old man
he sat beneath a sapling tree
He said now if you got some questions
go and lay them at my feet
but my time here is brief
so you'll have to pick just three

And I said
What do you do with the pieces of a broken heart
and how can a man like me remain in the light
and if life is really as short as they say
then why is the night so long
and then the sun went down
and he played for me this song
___

Firstly, I do believe that these are, in fact, three of the most prime questions of humanity:
1. What do we do when things go wrong?
2. How do we keep ourselves on the right track?
3. If we are supposed to enjoy the journey,then why must it be treacherous and seemingly never-ending?

I can particularly relate to the literal language of M. Ward's final question. Why in the world is he night so dang long, particularly when I am so tired that I cannot sleep? (small digression of an insomniac)

I have my own theories as to how we can answer these questions, but I will leave it up to you to find your own ways.

Secondly, I believe that life is cyclical in this way. I believe we are all, whether it is in any way apparent or not, feeling around for the answers to all of the same questions.

I do not dare assert my own opinions. I think the lyrics speak for themselves, and I merely wish to invite you to muse along with me.

C'est pas moi! Croyez-moi!

I have just wasted another few HOURS of opportunity to do homework.

What has happened to me?

Here is a list of just a few things I would much rather be doing:

Running.


Dancing.


Flying.


Sleeping.


Jumping off this cliff.

__________

So Hard to Do and So Easy to Say

I'm getting to be busy again. And stressed. About school.

To be honest, it feels like I am falling back into my "safe zone" (Stress has become a part of my "safe zone"? Not cool.), and I don't really like that. I will indulge, however, these next couple of weeks. Mostly because I have to with all of my tests and papers, but it will be an indulgence nonetheless.

- - -
I went to a CIA informational session last night. That was AWESOME!!! I'm not saying I am going into the CIA (if I told you, I would have to kill you), but it was really fun to hear about.

I attended a career fair this evening as well. It was pretty great. Not just because it was catered and I got to eat some excellent fresh pineapple... though that certainly did not hurt.

If they didn't tire me out so, I would go to these every day!!!!

:-D

- - -
If anyone knows anything about the Tibet-China conflict, please let me know. I need to dialogue about it for a paper I will hopefully be writing. :)

_______________________
Oh no- here comes that sun again.
And (that) means another day without you my friend.
And it hurts me to look into the mirror at myself.
And it hurts even more to have to be with somebody else.

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes - sometimes,
you just have to walk away - walk away.

With so many people to love in my life, why do I worry about one?
But you put the happy in my ness, you put the good times into my fun.

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes - sometimes,
you just have to walk away - walk away and head for the door.

...

They say time will make all this go away,
but it's time that has taken my tomorrows and turned them into yesterdays.
And once again that rising sun is droppin' on down
And once again, you my friend, are nowhere to be found.

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes, sometimes you just have to walk away, walk away and head for the door.
You just walk away - walk away - walk away.
You just walk away, walk on, turn and head for the door.

Le Maintenant

Ice-age heat wave, can't complain.
If the world's at large, why should I remain?
Walked away to another plan.
Gonna find another place, maybe one I can stand.
I move on to another day, to a whole new town with a whole new way.
Went to the porch to have a thought.
Got to the door and again, I couldn't stop.
You don't know where and you don't know when.
But you still got your words and you got your friends.
Walk along to another day.
Work a little harder, work another way.

Well uh-uh baby I ain't got no plan.
We'll float on maybe would you understand?
Gonna float on maybe would you understand?
Well I'll float on maybe would you understand?

The days get shorter and the nights get cold.
I like the autumn but this place is getting old.
I pack up my belongings and I head for the coast.
It might not be a lot but I feel like I'm making the most.
The day's get longer and the nights smell green.
I guess it's not surprising but it's spring and I should leave.

I like songs about drifters - books about the same.
They both seem to make me feel a little less insane.
Walked on off to another spot.
I still haven't got anywhere that I want.
Did I want love? Did I need to know?
Why does it always feel like I'm caught in an undertow?

The moths beat themselves to death against the lights.
Adding their breeze to the summer nights.
Outside, water like air was great.
I didn't know what I had that day.
Walk a little farther to another plan.
You said that you did, but you didn't understand.

I know that starting over is not what life's all about.
But my thoughts were so loud, I couldn't hear my mouth.
My thoughts were so loud, I couldn't hear my mouth.
My thoughts were so loud.

-Modest Mouse "The World At Large"

Shot in the Eye!

There this water fountain in the RB studio stage. This is not your typical water fountain. It is a SUPER SONIC SOAKING water fountain. It fountains the water higher than anyone could possibly anticipate. I don't think it is well-intentioned. Some may believe it is trying to be more accommodating for tall people and those with back problems, but I see straight through this guise. I believe it is working on some sort of secret vendetta. It enjoys squirting people in the face. It is definitely hostile. Because I am well aware of its cruel intentions, I usually know how to avoid being squirted.

Today, however, my brain was switched to "Off".



It got me.



It didn't just get me in the nose and mouth area either.

It shot me in that area... and RIGHT IN THE EYE.

Luckily I am only wearing mascara today, though I still had to remove some of it on the other side to make my eyes look relatively the same.

HA!
It was one of those "THAT just happened." moments.
Rock on.

I Am Bored.

Today my friend told me about something called ski diving. I had never heard of it. "Well ski diving is like sky diving, base jumping and skiing all rolling into one. :-) You ski off a huge cliff, fall for a long time, pull the cord, and the fly through the air," he reported. (Keith Freeman)

That sounds amazing!!!! I want to do it!!!

I want to do something exciting. I feel as though my life has been excessively BORING and TAME these past few weeks. I just want to get out of here and go do something FUN and EXCITING for once!! So now my question is this:

How do I make this ski diving thing happen?!

haha! :)

______

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Trying to make ends meet
You're a slave to money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the veins meet yeah

No change, I can't change
I can't change, I can't change
But I'm here in my mind
I am here in my mind
But I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mind

Well I never pray
But tonight I'm on my knees yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now
But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now

-The Verve "Bittersweet Symphony"

Je Manque Constamment

I do not want a second helping of this one. I do not.



I am right back there, sitting at the dinner table, the glare of a full glass of milk boring holes into my soul. This is no exaggeration.

I am waiting for my parents to leave the table. Naturally, they sit there staring at me imperiously. I know they will continue for as long as they can stand, but it is only a matter of time before they break. "I'll drink it, I promise," I plead with tears in my eyes. "Just leave me alone." They stay for an few minutes more before they resign, muttering threats as they go.

Once they are gone, I stare at the milk an eternity longer before finally needing to "go to the bathroom". I wince guiltily as I pick up the glass and whisk it, holding the glass down by my thigh where nobody can see, swiftly to the bathroom. Locked carefully inside the bathroom, I desperately pour the milk down the sink, roll the toilet paper, and flush.

I return to the hot seat, empty glass hidden nonchalantly by my leg to sit for a while. I replace the empty glass and recommence staring it down. I allow a numbness to consume me, a numbness which is much easier to carry than either the agony of drinking the milk or the guilt I feel from casually throwing it away.

After some time has passed, I emerge from my self-imposed prison cell, a counterfeit smile of triumph painted across my face.

Same story, different variables. I sit before the glaring cup. This time, I must grab the glass firmly, hold my nose (Which is actually ridiculous. Good milk does not necessarily put off a strong smell. It just makes you feel better.), and down the contents entirely. This time I must accept the agony of swallowing it.

Because this time, things are completely different. Tempus omnia revelat. Audaces fortuna iuvat.

Parce que je manque constamment.

As My Head Turns Cartwheels

Over the weekend, I hurt my wrist. It really is not a big deal, apart from the whole interrupting my life thing. I should be on my way to dance class right now. I can neither do any extreme dance moves, nor write by hand, however, without causing myself quite a bit of discomfort. I have opted to stay home, as it will no doubt be more productive. Obviously, I am typing currently, which means discomfort for me. While I am still in pain, I am decidedly appeasing my mind. All that will follow is, I am quite sure, pure, unbridled dross. If I were you, I would not even read it. But if you are truly bored, reading the following may be better than whatever it is you are doing (or, shall I say, not doing). I will therefore stand aside.



Sometimes I find the world infinitely more interesting from the other way round. This morning, I was blow-drying my hair upside down. “Excuse me, Kim… I just need to get my watch!” my roommate warned as she nearly ran me over on her way past the sink. Luckily, I shuffled to the side, my head between my knees, just in time for her to miss me. In that moment, I noticed her shoes: red, black, and white patterned flats, provided my memory serves me well. I am fairly certain I had seen them before, but they exuded a slight air of Asia from that angle. They were a completely new shoe. I loved them.

I love doing hand/elbow/headstands when I am alone in a room. Inversion makes my body feels entirely different, as though it has been reset. If I take a quick peek around, I always notice something different about the room, whether it is a dead roach by the door or how much that painting looks a bit like a dancing cow.

I also love looking at people’s faces from upside down. Unintentional, organic facial expressions are more obvious that way. Sometimes they are also more readable. It can also be quite humorous. Some people look…. pretty funny. I’m sure that I do.

Even the most simplistic thing can take on a whole new appearance when the world has been turned upside down. If I may be so bold as to assert, changing one’s vantage point is the most valuable technique in truth-seeking.

You need not buy into any of this. As I said before, I am simply using this free time to spout off for personal appeasement. I might be entirely off.
Nevertheless, think of it, if you will. You think you know your girlfriend? Take her out of town, someplace new for one week. When the two of you return, tell me whether you still see her exactly the same way you did pre-trip. Tell me you did not learn anything new about the way she experiences (or does not experience) life. You think you know yourself? Move someplace new for a summer and then try returning entirely to your current lifestyle.

Sometimes, however, the world turns itself over without my consent. Sometimes other people take unwelcome personal liberties and flip me over. I must admit to harboring a strong resentment to the occurrence of the latter. It is somewhat frightening when I am not ready for it, and I am ashamed to say that I typically fight back…

Often times, nevertheless, I cannot see truth clearly at all, and nothing would benefit me more. My questions to you are these: How does one get upside down when it is advantageous, and remain right side up when it is not? What is one to do when one has accessed all visible angles, and the truth remains completely obscure?