Everything Is Illuminated

It's funny how events always tend to come back to haunt you somewhere along the line. Memories that have not entreated your mind in years simply bubble up in an instant. This has been happening to me with disconcerting frequency recently. The worst part is how deeply I have finally come to understand these events of my past. All of a sudden, I can see everything with such clarity- the other party's situation, my own naïveté. Suddenly everything makes sense! Dare I use a phrase that has already been claimed? Everything is illuminated. I guess this is what history is for, eh?

[Disclaimer: all names have been changed to protect the innocent.]
Here is one example. Forever ago, I was privileged to maintain the friendship and affection of William, a young man who, I have come to realize, was well beyond my years in experience and wisdom. While he was out of the country for an extended period of time, I sort of came into myself. I didn't feel like we were right for each other at all anymore, and must ashamedly report that I handled the situation in a most cowardly, juvenile fashion. Very regrettably, I simply cut him off. He was time zones away, and I just found myself too busy to answer his calls or check my email. I am in no way proud of this. Eventually, I reached a point where I could not continue to push his presence out of my life. Below is a tiny bit of what he told me after I finally admitted that I did not want to be with him. I'm not sure that he will ever read this post, but I certainly hope he will not mind if he does. This particular passage has been of great interest to me as of late. (by the way, forgive this young gentleman his grammatical errors as I hope you forgive mine in all entries of this blog; even I will admit that grammar is not always of the utmost importance in friendly correspondence)



"Wow, i mean, wow! Do you ever have those times in life were what you are doing is passing so slowly, and so immensely, but when it is all over you look back and say, I needed more time for that? Maybe it is just me, and after reading your email i suppose it is just me, but regardless this was exactly how i felt when i was reading your email...
So here goes;
Yeah i suppose i agree you could not be the girl for me. I hope that my wife would never just shut me out, and decide that i was not worth her time. now, you may not consider that fair of me to say or think, but it is none the less true from the chair i am sitting in. i sat here for two months straight staring out this window wondering if you were okay, wanting to know that you were safe, healthy, and in love with me or not, but i did not get that until three months later and by that time all i could do is ask, why? Now, don't read into my words as anger, never anger, just frustration. Nevertheless, i am saddened that you would count my love and devotion so little in your life that when times got ruff you decided that my love was a burden and not worth your time. Why did you feel that way? Or better, what happened that made you feel a relationship with me was no longer worth the effort of writing an email or answering the phone? I would like to know for my own betterment and growth, really. Ha! Yeah, this is a little selfish. I know that you said life was busy, and that you later felt you had changed into a woman that was not for me, but i guess i just don't want to believe that i was so wrong for you, you know?"

This comes from a later email:
"My attitude and respect for you does not change, and i hope one day when we see each other passing on the road we can give a friendly hello."



I understand precisely what he is saying now. He articulated it so deftly. I wonder how i could have missed the mark back then.

At the time, I was uncomfortable with this email. Not upset, not disgusted, not put off in any way. Nothing like that. I was uncomfortable because I knew I was in the wrong, and I felt bad. More than that, I was young, and I did not fully understand. I foolishly distrusted the words he wrote me, presuming them to be ridiculous attempts at flattery and self preservation. I did not believe he actually cared. This seems a bit ridiculous upon retrospect, but I guess I didn't want to think he cared. Mostly because I didn't care as much as I wanted to myself. All in all, I just did not understand.

This is just one example of the sort of misinterpreted maturity I have finally come to understand after many different sorts of relationships. These words are spectres, persistently occupying the shadows of my mind as of late. I believe relationships to be, hands down, the most instructive medium.

What I have come to realize is simple: relationships are the single most important thing. People are the single most important thing. This is the key. This is why the death of a relationship of any type can be so painful. When I was younger, I did not fully understand this subtle truth, and I am sorry to those people that I subsequently misunderstood or discounted. I am sorry to those that I so callously tossed aside with the selfish assurance that I was "doing them a favor". I now see that I was in part... but only in part. Though he has moved on and is, I am sure, far happier than I can guess he would have been with me (as ignorant as I was), I wish I could apologize to William. Now everything is illuminated.

Just years too late.



_____
How about getting off of these antibiotics
How about stopping eating when I'm filled up
How about them transparent dangling carrots
How about that ever elusive kudo

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

How about me not blaming you for everything
How about me enjoying the moment for once
How about how good it feels to finally forgive you
How about grieving it all one at a time

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

The moment I let go of it was
The moment I got more than I could handle
The moment I jumped off of it was
The moment I touched down

How about no longer being masochistic
How about remembering your divinity
How about unabashedly bawling your eyes out
How about not equating death with stopping

Thank you India
Thank you providence
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you nothingness
Thank you clarity
Thank you thank you silence
-"Thank You" Alanis Morissette