Power, Love, and A Sound Mind Continued

I found this quote today while I was sorting through Buddhist and Hindu religious and philosophical texts in the bookstore. I lost my place in Jean Anouilh's "Antigone" recording the quote (and still cannot figure out precisely where I was- apparently that is more difficult to do in a french text), and every moment spent in this endeavor was a moment that should have been devoted to researching my paper on Tibet, but this quote was well worth the sacrifice.

The only reason that we don't open our hearts and minds to other people is that they trigger confusion in us that we don't feel brave enough or sane enough to deal with. To the degree that we look clearly and compassionately at ourselves, we feel confident and fearless about looking into someone else's eyes. -Pema Chodron, Buddhist nun

As this message is still be brought to you at the expense of my Tibet paper, I will refrain from lengthy commentary. Please see my rather convoluted scribblings in the post below, and feel free to contact me for discussion/friendly debate. :)

Power, love, and a Sound Mind

A disclaimer:
I had previously resolved to keep my blog at least mostly secular, but now I believe such a resolution to be entirely nonsensical. Religion is an inextricable part of my life, and if I am to record second helpings of my life, religion must be a part of that. If you do not wish to read anything religious, you are obviously excused from reading anything of that nature posted on my blog.

"...nevertheless I am not ashamed: for I know whom I have believed, and am persuaded that he is able to keep that which I have committed unto him against that day." -2 Timothy 1:12

Now on to the real post!
_____________

Today, I was reading my scriptures and I came upon the following verse:

2 Timothy 1:7 "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."

A few days ago, I was engaged in a debate with a friend over whether or not fear of rejection should hinder one from being bold, straightforward, and risky in dating. I firmly believe that it should not. If it does, it is only because we are allowing past negative experience to make us feel as though we are less than we truly are. When a relationship fails, it is (unless one has sorely mistreated the other) certainly not a reflection on the value of either person involved. We may be disappointed, discouraged, and disinterested for a while, but we certainly should not allow these three dreaded "d's" to paint our perception of who we are. The two former partners just did not work out. Period. I firmly believe there is at least one person out there who will accept and love every individual just as that individual is. At least one of those partners just was not one of them. I believe it is natural to be at least a bit apprehensive when being faced with any new experience, including a potential relationship. It is one's own decision to allow any level of fear to prohibit a relationship from even forming. Fear does not more than inhibit and destroy even the potential for a functional relationship. So.... just say no! Believe in yourself! Anyone else with me?!

Everything Is Illuminated

It's funny how events always tend to come back to haunt you somewhere along the line. Memories that have not entreated your mind in years simply bubble up in an instant. This has been happening to me with disconcerting frequency recently. The worst part is how deeply I have finally come to understand these events of my past. All of a sudden, I can see everything with such clarity- the other party's situation, my own naïveté. Suddenly everything makes sense! Dare I use a phrase that has already been claimed? Everything is illuminated. I guess this is what history is for, eh?

[Disclaimer: all names have been changed to protect the innocent.]
Here is one example. Forever ago, I was privileged to maintain the friendship and affection of William, a young man who, I have come to realize, was well beyond my years in experience and wisdom. While he was out of the country for an extended period of time, I sort of came into myself. I didn't feel like we were right for each other at all anymore, and must ashamedly report that I handled the situation in a most cowardly, juvenile fashion. Very regrettably, I simply cut him off. He was time zones away, and I just found myself too busy to answer his calls or check my email. I am in no way proud of this. Eventually, I reached a point where I could not continue to push his presence out of my life. Below is a tiny bit of what he told me after I finally admitted that I did not want to be with him. I'm not sure that he will ever read this post, but I certainly hope he will not mind if he does. This particular passage has been of great interest to me as of late. (by the way, forgive this young gentleman his grammatical errors as I hope you forgive mine in all entries of this blog; even I will admit that grammar is not always of the utmost importance in friendly correspondence)



"Wow, i mean, wow! Do you ever have those times in life were what you are doing is passing so slowly, and so immensely, but when it is all over you look back and say, I needed more time for that? Maybe it is just me, and after reading your email i suppose it is just me, but regardless this was exactly how i felt when i was reading your email...
So here goes;
Yeah i suppose i agree you could not be the girl for me. I hope that my wife would never just shut me out, and decide that i was not worth her time. now, you may not consider that fair of me to say or think, but it is none the less true from the chair i am sitting in. i sat here for two months straight staring out this window wondering if you were okay, wanting to know that you were safe, healthy, and in love with me or not, but i did not get that until three months later and by that time all i could do is ask, why? Now, don't read into my words as anger, never anger, just frustration. Nevertheless, i am saddened that you would count my love and devotion so little in your life that when times got ruff you decided that my love was a burden and not worth your time. Why did you feel that way? Or better, what happened that made you feel a relationship with me was no longer worth the effort of writing an email or answering the phone? I would like to know for my own betterment and growth, really. Ha! Yeah, this is a little selfish. I know that you said life was busy, and that you later felt you had changed into a woman that was not for me, but i guess i just don't want to believe that i was so wrong for you, you know?"

This comes from a later email:
"My attitude and respect for you does not change, and i hope one day when we see each other passing on the road we can give a friendly hello."



I understand precisely what he is saying now. He articulated it so deftly. I wonder how i could have missed the mark back then.

At the time, I was uncomfortable with this email. Not upset, not disgusted, not put off in any way. Nothing like that. I was uncomfortable because I knew I was in the wrong, and I felt bad. More than that, I was young, and I did not fully understand. I foolishly distrusted the words he wrote me, presuming them to be ridiculous attempts at flattery and self preservation. I did not believe he actually cared. This seems a bit ridiculous upon retrospect, but I guess I didn't want to think he cared. Mostly because I didn't care as much as I wanted to myself. All in all, I just did not understand.

This is just one example of the sort of misinterpreted maturity I have finally come to understand after many different sorts of relationships. These words are spectres, persistently occupying the shadows of my mind as of late. I believe relationships to be, hands down, the most instructive medium.

What I have come to realize is simple: relationships are the single most important thing. People are the single most important thing. This is the key. This is why the death of a relationship of any type can be so painful. When I was younger, I did not fully understand this subtle truth, and I am sorry to those people that I subsequently misunderstood or discounted. I am sorry to those that I so callously tossed aside with the selfish assurance that I was "doing them a favor". I now see that I was in part... but only in part. Though he has moved on and is, I am sure, far happier than I can guess he would have been with me (as ignorant as I was), I wish I could apologize to William. Now everything is illuminated.

Just years too late.



_____
How about getting off of these antibiotics
How about stopping eating when I'm filled up
How about them transparent dangling carrots
How about that ever elusive kudo

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

How about me not blaming you for everything
How about me enjoying the moment for once
How about how good it feels to finally forgive you
How about grieving it all one at a time

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

The moment I let go of it was
The moment I got more than I could handle
The moment I jumped off of it was
The moment I touched down

How about no longer being masochistic
How about remembering your divinity
How about unabashedly bawling your eyes out
How about not equating death with stopping

Thank you India
Thank you providence
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you nothingness
Thank you clarity
Thank you thank you silence
-"Thank You" Alanis Morissette

Love is Not a Victory March; It's a Cold and it's a Broken Hallelujah

i heard there was a secret chord
that david played and it pleased the lord
but you don't really care for music, do you
well it goes like this the fourth, the fifth
the minor fall and the major lift
the baffled king composing hallelujah

hallelujah...

well your faith was strong but you needed proof
you saw her bathing on the roof
her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
she tied you to her kitchen chair
she broke your throne and she cut your hair
and from your lips she drew the hallelujah

hallelujah...

baby i've been here before
i've seen this room and i've walked this floor
i used to live alone before i knew you
i've seen your flag on the marble arch
but love is not a victory march
it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

hallelujah...

well there was a time when you let me know
what's really going on below
but now you never show that to me do you
but remember when i moved in you
and the holy dove was moving too
and every breath we drew was hallelujah

well, maybe there's a god above
but all i've ever learned from love
was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you
it's not a cry that you hear at night
it's not somebody who's seen the light
it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

hallelujah...

If Life is Really as Short as They Say, Then Why is the Night So Long?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ToEPFDIzhNA&feature=PlayList&p=C778AD3D4BFFA573&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=18

Above is a link for the music video for "Chinese Translation" by M. Ward. The video is great, but the song itself is even better. I was listening to this song today, and really came into a deeper appreciation for it. Below are the lyrics:

____
I sailed a wild, wild sea
climbed up a tall, tall mountain
I met a old, old man
beneath a weeping willow tree
He said now if you got some questions
go and lay them at my feet
but my time here is brief
so you'll have to pick just three

And I said
What do you do with the pieces of a broken heart
and how can a man like me remain in the light
and if life is really as short as they say
then why is the night so long
and then the sun went down
and he sang for me this song

See I once was a young fool like you
afraid to do the things
that I knew I had to do
So I played an escapade just like you
I played an escapade just like you
I sailed a wild, wild sea
climbed up a tall, tall mountain
I met an old, old man
he sat beneath a sapling tree
He said now if you got some questions
go and lay them at my feet
but my time here is brief
so you'll have to pick just three

And I said
What do you do with the pieces of a broken heart
and how can a man like me remain in the light
and if life is really as short as they say
then why is the night so long
and then the sun went down
and he played for me this song
___

Firstly, I do believe that these are, in fact, three of the most prime questions of humanity:
1. What do we do when things go wrong?
2. How do we keep ourselves on the right track?
3. If we are supposed to enjoy the journey,then why must it be treacherous and seemingly never-ending?

I can particularly relate to the literal language of M. Ward's final question. Why in the world is he night so dang long, particularly when I am so tired that I cannot sleep? (small digression of an insomniac)

I have my own theories as to how we can answer these questions, but I will leave it up to you to find your own ways.

Secondly, I believe that life is cyclical in this way. I believe we are all, whether it is in any way apparent or not, feeling around for the answers to all of the same questions.

I do not dare assert my own opinions. I think the lyrics speak for themselves, and I merely wish to invite you to muse along with me.

C'est pas moi! Croyez-moi!

I have just wasted another few HOURS of opportunity to do homework.

What has happened to me?

Here is a list of just a few things I would much rather be doing:

Running.


Dancing.


Flying.


Sleeping.


Jumping off this cliff.

__________

So Hard to Do and So Easy to Say

I'm getting to be busy again. And stressed. About school.

To be honest, it feels like I am falling back into my "safe zone" (Stress has become a part of my "safe zone"? Not cool.), and I don't really like that. I will indulge, however, these next couple of weeks. Mostly because I have to with all of my tests and papers, but it will be an indulgence nonetheless.

- - -
I went to a CIA informational session last night. That was AWESOME!!! I'm not saying I am going into the CIA (if I told you, I would have to kill you), but it was really fun to hear about.

I attended a career fair this evening as well. It was pretty great. Not just because it was catered and I got to eat some excellent fresh pineapple... though that certainly did not hurt.

If they didn't tire me out so, I would go to these every day!!!!

:-D

- - -
If anyone knows anything about the Tibet-China conflict, please let me know. I need to dialogue about it for a paper I will hopefully be writing. :)

_______________________
Oh no- here comes that sun again.
And (that) means another day without you my friend.
And it hurts me to look into the mirror at myself.
And it hurts even more to have to be with somebody else.

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes - sometimes,
you just have to walk away - walk away.

With so many people to love in my life, why do I worry about one?
But you put the happy in my ness, you put the good times into my fun.

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes - sometimes,
you just have to walk away - walk away and head for the door.

...

They say time will make all this go away,
but it's time that has taken my tomorrows and turned them into yesterdays.
And once again that rising sun is droppin' on down
And once again, you my friend, are nowhere to be found.

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes, sometimes you just have to walk away, walk away and head for the door.
You just walk away - walk away - walk away.
You just walk away, walk on, turn and head for the door.