My Greatest Insecurity

Driving. I don't do it. That is what I am most insecure about these days.


It was difficult for me to move home. I have grown fond of being independent, and I was not looking forward to giving that up.

Every moment that I have been here has been worth it. I get to see my fiancé every day, even if only for a little bit. I get to see my family every day. I get to play with my dog. I never have to be bothered by people knocking on my door around the clock to tell me about some even or scope out dating prospects.

Sometimes, however, I must admit that it has been very hard. I do not drive; apart from supervised visits to the outside world, I am essentially confined to this house. I cannot stand to be in one place for too long. Admittedly, it is a personal problem of mine. I get bored and I start feeling claustrophobic. While I was up at school, I was only in my apartment for part of the day. I can’t remember the last time I spent an entire day in my apartment. Sometimes I feel like a caged bird here.

Please do not misunderstand me though- I love being here. The benefits far outweigh the drawbacks. Having no transportation is actually the more significant of only two drawbacks I can think of. The other drawback is the heat. ;-)

I have also become accustomed to taking care of myself. For the past four years I have been doing it pretty much on my own. I buy my own food. I pay my own rent. I work. I go to class. I clean. I pay for everything myself. There are many places I can get to easily on foot. Without a vehicle, I have to beg people for rides to the store even while I am at school, and that is bad enough.

It makes me feel like one big inconvenience to all. It makes me feel like a short-term leech. Once, I was in desperate need of food, and so I asked one of my neighbors if he would take me to the store. He agreed without any hesitation and told me to just come down to his apartment at six. When I got there, I learned that because of me, he was not able to go to a basketball game. Because of me, he had to turn down a sort of date. I know these things because he mentioned them in a phone conversation he insisted on having in my presence. I try really hard not to listen to other people’s conversations, but he made it difficult not to. I told him I could find someone else, but he insisted upon taking me and was grouchy the whole time. This confirmed the fears I had all along: I was a colossal inconvenience. (and he was kind of a jerk) The last thing I want to do is make anyone’s life more difficult. I don’t want to be anyone’s burden.

Also, it hurts my pride. Somewhere along the way, I somehow got a foolish notion in my head that suggested I can do everything by myself. I don’t need anyone. But I do. I really, really, really do need other people. This is painfully evident while I am schmoozing someone into giving me a ride to the grocery store.

Now, I am finally trying to acknowledge that not only do I need someone else around, but I genuinely want someone else around to help and receive help from. I still feel like an inconvenience, and it is still really hard.

Let me remind you: I love being here. I get to be with my amazing family and my stud of a fiancé. Besides asking for a car, I really could not ask for more. I am just having a really hard time with this one small thing.

So… I am in desperate need of a car. If you know anyone who is selling a car, please let me know.