Thursday, April 9, 2009

My Semester in a Nutshell- longest post ever.

This semester in a nutshell (events not listed in any particular order):

-kept from overloading myself with classes for the first time

-spent a few days teaching college classes

-graded papers (:-/ ay! not exactly as much fun as one might hope for)

-walked in the rain

-tripped into the gutter in the rain and ripped my pants

-bought new pants

-admired the clouds

-experienced clouds of dry paint




-indulged in my love for the Hindu culture

-learned more about all major world religions

-bought the Dammaphada

-bought the Bhagavad Gita

-talked with my mom on the phone for hours upon hours

-experienced burnout

-wrote through the burnout

-didn't write due to burnout

-wrote through the burnout again

-shot moving targets for the first time



-learned what true commitment feels like

-learned what actual heartbreak feels like

-learned the importance of good friends in hard times

-was delighted when my parents, aunts, uncles, and grandfather joined facebook!

-realized how funny my father is

-benefited from the compassion of amazing friends and caring family in a hard time

-had a blast dancing Cuban salsa in a performance

-

-wrote

-learned how to dance Polynesian with my roommate at 8am every saturday with my roommate and LOVED every moment of it

-walked around the Wilkinson Center at BYU half naked... and was ENCOURAGED to do so



-spent hours making my hair curly two days in a row for the Lu'au performance

-was complimented on my curly hair, but remained resistant to ever doing it again unless kairos dictates

-missed modern dance.... terribly

-cried over missing modern dance once

-partially overcame my resistance to allowing other people see me cry... by force

-learned about... everything. It wasn't enough. I want more.

-met some amazing people

-witnessed a transformation

-went snowshoeing- loved it



-wrote

-finished my article for the Pre-law Review Journal

-discussed the insanity defense with a variety of people

-gave a presentation detailing parallels between Seneca and Buddhism

-pondered the rhetoric of freedom

-learned and theorizes the rhetoric of identity

-had the best month-ish of my life with one of the most remarkable people I have ever known

-developed a deeper sense of compassion

-paid for a pen for a girl with Down's Syndrome because she didn't know how to do it herself
-she was entirely to apologetic... I worry that she is not treated with the love and patience she deserves

-went home to Vegas for one day

-went home to Vegas for a weekend

-danced with my dad

-realized what a great dancer my dad is

-dentist. novocaine. enough said.

-learned from and about my mother

-wrote

-benefited from the kindness of strangers and non-strangers alike... constantly

-acted like a jerk

-apologized for acting like a jerk

-missed my family

-begged my sister to come visit... no good

-missed my dog

-reconnected with old friends

-got a housing in contract in Provo so that I could still live with one of the best roommates and friends I have ever had, even though I do not yet have a summer job in Provo

-sought summer employment- no results yet

-loved. perhaps too much.

-persevered

-cried more in one semester than every other time I've cried in my life... put together

-STILL wound up more overloaded than I have ever been in my entire life

-went to way too many dollar movies

-went to my first live baseball game

-went to my first college volleyball game

-went to my first college basketball game

-admitted to not having been to any sporting events thus far in my college career. yes, I am a senior.

-began to love live sports

-won front row tickets to a volleyball game limboing while sick on behalf of a "friend"

-was bailed on by a "friend" and had to find other people to use the front row tickets won in a limbo contest

-was bailed on by my brother

-persisted to ask my brother to hang out, even though he always bailed

-worried after a brother who had both mono and tonsillitis

-successfully performed a clandestine mission to sneak my brother out of the boys-only part of an all boys dormitory so he could come watch the last session of General Conference

-learned from the shining examples of people far better than I am

-worried about someone for whom I passionately cared who has a scary illness

-learned to love life no matter what

-learned more about the CIA

-men... we won't go there. If you know me... it's the same story as usual- only different settings, different players, and different obstacles.





Naturally, too much happened for me to even begin to recount. This has been an amazing semester.

I just wish it would be over already. I'm sick of finals!!! ;-)

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Always Love

Jealousy is, for the most part, my end all. I once had very strong feelings for a certain young man. Even after I decided trying to win his attention (something not usually too difficult, but in this case... impossible) was not worth my time, I could not seem to get over him. One day, I was at his apartment, and he mentioned something about trying to get with another girl. The moment I felt a jealous passion light within me was the moment I got over him. I got up, made some excuse to leave, and never looked back. (Figuratively... I see him all the time literally, but I no longer feel anything out of the ordinary for him.)

Except for this one time...
an invisible, ever-elusive carrot...
stinking walking cocaine.

I will not be made to feel jealous. I refuse. It is not an emotion I am prone to feeling anyhow. Usually I can either accept the reality that "should" make me feel jealous, or I just don't care. Call me cold-hearted. Call me whatever you'd like. I generally become jealous only when I hear someone talking about traveling. If I ever do feel a tinge of jealousy in regard to a guy, I remove myself from that situation, just as I mention doing a few lines above. So boys- don't try that trick on me.

You see, I have come to realize that jealousy is the closest I have ever come to experiencing actual hate for another human being. That is why I cannot handle it. That is why I refuse to feel it. Jealousy, anger, and hate. Three useless, destructive emotions. I will take no part in them if I can help it.


______
To make a mountain of your life
Is just a choice
But I never learned enough
To listen to the voice that told me
Always love Hate will get you every time
Always love Don't wait til the finish line

Slow demands come 'round
Squeeze the air and keep the rest out
It helps to write it down
Even when you then cross it out

But always Love- Hate will get you every time
Always Love even when you wanna fight

Self-directed lives
I want to know what it'd be like to
Aim so high above
Any card that you get dealt you

Always Love
Hate will get you every time
Always love
Hate will get you

I've been held back by something
Yeah. You said to me quietly on the stairs,
I've been held back by something
Yeah. You said to me quietly on the stairs.

-"Always Love" by Nada Surf